Flooding

I should just copy and paste my entries to each post, cause it is always months in between where I say "gees it has been a while!". 
Lets just skip that part and get into the good stuff. 
First off: baby in ma belly. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, today actually, which is just over 6 months along. I am definitely starting to feel the physical pressure in my lower back and the awesome round ligament pain. Oh and the acid reflux that literally wakes me up at night. Did I say starting to feel? Cause I mean I've been feeling these things for months now ;) Pregnancy is so great isn't it? No, it really is but can I just say it is dang hard! This time around feels heavier. Not literally, but the emotional weight is heavy this time around. I'm trying to keep up with my 2 1/2 year old who loves to play chase, when bending over the tub to wash his hair is getting pretty hard at this point. Most days I would be ok with movies and cuddles all day, and the problem is, is that Winn would be too. Pregnancy the 2nd time around is much more difficult than the first time around. But it is so worth it and so awesome and all the feel goods you can name. 
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner: He loves being called that. He is one hilarious dude. When he is around people he doesn't know super well, he doesn't say much and sticks by my side. But if he is comfortable around you, you will get to see the CUTEST personality in town. I'm telling you, he is hilariously weird and incredibly smart. One minute he is demanding 'Netflix on the iPad!' and throwing a tantrum because it's only 7:30am and you have to save the iPad for moments of need, and the next minute he is an inch from your face saying 'You're the best. You are! I love you too". It's like those commercials for sour patch kids. One minute I am near tears because his cries and whining and demands and the next I'm still near tears but because I'm laughing at his jokes or he's saying something incredibly sweet to me that obviously makes me cry (I'm pregnant, gimme a break). 
I think that's the amazingly heavenly sense that kids have. They take everything from you. Every ounce of my energy, my thoughts, my worries, my brain, my heart, goes to Winn. He demands this from me in an innocent and unknowingly fashion that allows me to freely give it to him. I give everything I have, to him. It's weird, because you don't do that for even people you love so much. Like Colt. I love him, like out of this world kind of love, the kind of love where I would literally probably remain on my bathroom floor in a pool of my own tears if I ever had to live without him, but it's somehow different. In return, I am given life lesson after life lesson from things to patience and controlling my temper, to selflessness and pure love. It's the kind of love that I know has to come from Heaven. It's pure, even when it's muddled and fuzzy because it's been a bad day or week or month trying to teach and parent without being the spawn of Satan yourself. That is how I know that motherhood is a literal gift from God. It's pure love, even when there is no possible way to rationalize it. 
I've been struggling to find a balance of a new version of myself (the one that Winn is molding me into) and the old me who needed improvement. If you know me, you know I like order. I like schedules. I like planning and sticker charts and routine. Fine, I'm way OCD guys. It's cute and all until you're a mom. Then you find yourself in a battle with a 2.5 year old who could care less about vacuuming or handprints on the mirror or nap time. Really, I've found myself in these battles for 2.5 years now, but the battle is really with myself. Winn is just the teacher. I'll be honest, my anxiety has gotten way worse since becoming a parent. For example: We just moved Winn into a big boy bed. It's so cute and he looks like a little tiny peanut in the middle of it, but what isn't so cute is training him that he needs to stay in it...my little boy who slept 11 hours in a crib has turned into a kid who sleeps 8-9 hours at night, with multiple wake ups and getting out of bed AT LEAST 20 times before sleep finds him. It's kind of maddening. To me. Not to Winn, cause he thinks it's awesome that he can roam his room, get his boots out of his closet, pile 2981247 stuffed animals onto his bed, come out and run to our room whenever he wants and however many times he wants. Not to Colt, cause he is made of pure gold and nothing can stress that man out. He's all "It's fine! Did you expect it to be easy? It's kind of cute". And I'm all "My heart is racing. I have acid reflux. Was that his door? Did you hear that? I think he's up." It's been a HUGE eye opener for me to realize that these 'problems' in my life are mine alone. It's no big deal to Colt if he gets woken up at 3:00am and misses 2 hours of sleep cause he's comforting Winn. When I get up with Winn, which I've been trying to do most nights so Colt can get sleep for finals, then I'm like dying the whole next day because I missed 2 or 3 hours of sleep. It's dumb. So the fight remains with myself. My need for order demands a lot from me, but so does the little guy who puts the challenge in front of me, night after night. I think it is God's way of teaching me that it's okay if you don't sleep more than 4 hours right now. It's okay if Winn doesn't just put himself to sleep like he did 3 weeks ago. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. All is well. It's a lesson that I need to be taught over and over again. 
I was thinking the other day that I was so scared to bring another baby into this world. Seeing Winn get pushed or hit when he's playing with friends brings out the mama bear in me, let alone thinking of the dark world I am eventually going to have to send him into. How is anyone suppose to survive the world we live in now? How are kids suppose to have good childhoods without being exposed to the nastiness of our world? As I was worrying (surprise) about this I had this overwhelming feeling that my babies were saved for this time in the world. They were such strong spirits, with such strong testimonies, that God saved them until NOW. God knows they are strong enough to endure the ugliness this world is offering, and apparently I am strong enough to raise my kids to know that about themselves. The spirit comforted my mama heart and made me feel like somehow someway they can endure. 
Just hoping that all my crazy doesn't rub off on my children ;) 

Today, I Write.

Well I've let a lot of life wiz right past me without writing any of the cuteness down. I keep a little journal, it's called Mom's Line a Day, I think I got it from Target before Winn was born. It's been the best little investment ever and I'll never go without it. It's a 5 year journal that lets you write down a few lines from your day. Just a few, your favorite moments of that day. It's worked out real good for me because I obviously can never find the time to write down lots of stuff here on my blog. It's been so fun to be able to write my new happenings for that day and read the ones I wrote a year before. It reminds me how hard babies are when I read my entries that say something like 'Winn finally slept more than 2 hours last night!' or 'Winn can't quite sit up yet, but he's trying!'. It gives me a little push when I need it, cause it reminds me that I can do hard things.
Before I get into the reason I am forcing myself to write today, I want to recap our Disneyland trip! Holy cow, Winn was an angel! Seriously, he exceeded all my OCD mommy expectations! If you know me, you know I'm a scheduler. Winn is a really scheduled baby, who has a bedtime routine and a naptime routine and is all sorts of familiar with routine. It's what helps me be the best mom I can be. I thrive on knowing what comes next (as much as I can being a mom), and honestly naptime and bedtime are something that is 99.9% of the time routine. I decided to throw all caution to the wind (yeah right) and just let Winn experience Disney the way a kid should! He ended up falling asleep in his stroller for naps at the park and staying up hours past his bedtime to watch the fireworks and shows, and he even skipped on bath time! Lets not talk about that part. But seriously, he just ate up Disneyland the way it was meant to be. He ate lots of mac n' cheese, churros and ice cream. He rode all the rides and loved them all. Actually, he hated one ride. The Mater ride in Cars Land. It was a spinning ride, and Colt and I knew he would probably hate it, but we kept saying, "You want to ride this one Winn? You sure?" and he would very strongly reply, "Yes." while nodding his head vigorously. So, ride it he did. And his face was pure terror the entire time until he finally burst into tears. Colt and I were of course laughing hysterically while trying to comfort our screaming child on the ride he just HAD to go on. When we got off he looked and me with such a worried look and said "Why not like it?" (Winn interpretation: Why did I not like it?) It was amazing. Honestly. He waved hi and yelled it too, to every character he passed. Ariel's Seashell ride was his favorite and we rode it the most, just for him. He obviously loved the carousel and kept asking to "Ride horse!". It's funny, every time he says that, he says it with a cowboy slang, like he knows he's suppose to. Since Disney, he has been obsessed with Cars and wants to read his 'Cars books' all day long. First thing in the morning he says Cars books! He says Mater (Mayer), Doc Hudson (Doc Hubby), Sally (Silly) and Lightening Mcqueen (Queen) which also comes with Ka-chow (A-chow). He also loves watching Ariel and asks for it right after he eats his waffles which he demands papa make for him every morning. He pronounces Ariel like (Uhhhl) and says witch all day long in reference to Ursula. He also sings under the sea for me during diaper changes. I tell you, he is one hilarious friend.
I wish I could somehow burn my days into my memory forever, because there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't do something hilarious or naughty or adorable that I tell myself "don't forget this!". He is talking so much now, forming sentences and striking up an attitude. He says 'Ny no like it!" (I don't like it) at least a million times a day, and says "Uh-uh!" too. He is quite the gentlemen though, and will say please, thank you, and you're welcome one right after the other when he wants something. He amazes me. He has the most tender heart and is kind of a wuss (sorry buddy), because he gets his feelings hurt pretty easily. If papa ever tells him no, it's an automatic meltdown. Not the tantrum kind, but the 'I'm so hurt' kind. It's pretty amusing. He asks for 'kikkis' (kisses) at least every hour and gives the good kind. He loves to run and will run up and down the backyard for hours at a time. He loves his mama, and can't stand to be out of my sight. Most days I like it that way. He knows how to work a phone or iPad just as good as me, and can make phone calls all by himself. Seriously, he calls people in my contacts when I don't even know he has my phone, so if you've received random calls from me, it's just Winn thinking he's the king of the hill over here. He is so tall and still pretty hefty, but he's slimming down which makes me sad cause that means he's growing up. He loves to read and loves to tell me he wants to go swimming (knowming) but then when I take him he just wants his toes in the water. He doesn't like to be splashed and therefore hates splash pads. He is obsessed with Mars and Gimmi (our dogs) and has a weird thing about eating their dog food.
He's going to be 2 tomorrow and I've got tears in my eyes just thinking about it!
Winner,
You are 2 years old! Mommy can't hardly believe it. I remember you turning one and mommy going all out for your party, just to have you sleep through half of it, be onery because I woke you up, and then hate your cake. You are the most fun! You make me happier than you will ever know. You have taught me to slow down and take deep breaths, to not sweat the small stuff, and you've shown me what it's like to love unconditionally. I love watching you grow and learn new things. I love your thick wavy hair. I love your 'kikkes' and hugs. I love your contagious laugh. You are my laughing baby! I love the way your cute sturdy body looks in your jammies and how you have to say goodnight to gowa (grandma) and papa before you feel happy to go to sleep. I love how you make sure I'm looking at you when I sing you bedtime songs, and if I'm not, you forcefully put your little tiny hand on my cheek and turn me towards you. I feel like the luckiest lady in the world to be able to raise such a sweet special kid. I am so proud of you for being so smart and curious. Although I hate that your birthday means you are that much closer to being a big kid who doesn't like my kisses and doesn't have to have me in your sight, it is also exciting because I love to watch you explore the world and I love our conversations. You are my light. You are my whole world. You have made me whole. I love you more than you'll ever know. I hope you have a happy birthday buddy!

Whoo, I made it through that one.

Am I ever going to get good at this?

The answer, is most likely..no. Life, most of the time, is swallowing me whole, with grocery lists, and babysitting, bath time and days at grandma's house. I prefer it that way. I love to sit down and write out the important and sometimes scarring events on paper, but the reality is that time is hard to come by. So maybe, for 2015, I'll get over the fact that I am really awful and staying on top of my blog, and just enjoy re-reading my little blurbs of life I do get to writing. 
You know what else I like about writing on MY blog? No spell checks. No word count. Spelling errors? No problem! Another semester of school is quickly approaching, which means lots of late night papers and a lot of hearing myself say 'I hate school' under my breath as I crack open my books. I want to put the babes to bed, lay in my own, and read a book. One that I get to choose. Or maybe watch a trashy reality show. But I also have to continue reminding myself that this part of my life, the one I'm living right now, is gonna be the best of my life. Probably. At least that's what I hear. Although, becoming a grandma seems pretty great. Before my babe turns into a sport playing, homework-doing, sassy machine, I want to enjoy teaching him to say a new word, or teaching him to kick a ball. I'm never going to be as needed as I am right now. And that makes me want to cry for lots of reasons. Maybe I'll just never stop having babies, so that I'm always this needed, and I'm always teaching babies to kick a ball. 
2014 was good bad and ugly. Family trials and self-discovery pushed their way into almost each day of this good year. My most favorite part was watching Winn grow. He's 18 months now, and is showing slight symptoms of THE TERRIBLE TWOS. I kind of love it, even though he grits his teeth then pulls my hair before I know what's hit me. Only when I say no, or sometimes even when he just feels like it. But it's okay. I'm the worst at disciplining. I laugh the entire time, literally, because his face stares up at mine wondering "Why you so grumpy mom?". That's how it makes me feel, which makes me laugh. Because I'm usually stopping him from eating dog food, or putting his whole arm in the toilet, or eating from the garbage can. I PROMISE I'M A GOOD MOTHER.
Winn learned that opening presents is fun! And Christmas meant Santa, and wrapping paper, and new toys. He literally learns a new word every day, sometimes out of nowhere. He learned to say apple all by himself, and can say a whole slew of animal noises. Lion is my favorite, where he makes a growling noise from him throat. It's priceless. 
2014 brought epiphanies and enlightenment to me. It also made me realize that holy cow do I still have a lot of work on! It's the never ending process of improving ourselves I guess. 
I'm really excited for this new year. I'll have a 2 year old this year, which, I'd rather not talk about. Maybe another baby will come our way. Maybe a move is in 2015's pockets. I don't know. But I kind of love the not knowing, only because I've got an incredibly supportive and adventurous husband who makes the rough ride seem fun. He makes it seem like, hey, this is what we wanted! Even when it's not. 
I'll try to get better at writing my blurbs, but my pretend glimpse into the future tells me, I won't be improving that. Life only gets busier. But, until it's no longer busy, which I hope it never slows down, my once every few months blurbs will have to do. 

2015, holla at your girl.

Wowzers!

I am seriously the worst. It's honestly been MONTHS since I've looked at this blog of mine. As for the past few months: Winner turned one and had an awesome party surrounded and spoiled by people who love him. I turned 25. (I feel old?) Colt also turned 25. (He acts like he's still 16. And I love it.) Winn learned to walk, and is now practically running, which has me screaming 'Winn, no! Winn, no!' all the time. I'm that mom, who is OVERLY protective of her baby. Ha! I remember seeing 'that mom'. Thinking, 'She is such a helicopter mom. I will never be like that.' Here I am. Actually, if you look in the dictionary at Overprotective Mama: You'll see my name number and photo. It's bad, and I know it. I see myself doing these overprotective things, and I can't stop! I just love that kid too much. It's all consuming. In a good way I sure hope. I'm trying real hard to let the little things go..like letting him eat a pancake smothered in syrup all by himself. Getting syrup in his eyes, hair, in between his little fingers, and even down on his chubby thighs cause he drops a few. See, I'm learning! 

Overall, life is so good. I feel like the past few months, the past year really, I've been put through the refinery. I've been burned, done some burning myself, been to pure exhaustion, near the brink of depression, struggling with self-image, learning how to be a mom, discovering this new love that I've felt for my baby, which by the way, is so strong it sometimes brings me to tears, and lots more. I think I've learned a lot about myself. What I'm capable of, what I'm not so good at, what I need to work on, who I want surrounding and uplifting me, and a lot of what I can take. I hope I've come out lookin pretty 'refined' at this point. I've discarded feelings and burdens, guilt and sorrow that I've carried with me for longer than I should've. I'm getting to release them and give them away. I've found myself smack dab in the middle of the 'does this make me happy?' question. I've figured out the answer, too. I'm super lucky, to have a husband that is so supportive of me. He puts up with my self-bullying, which is just self-destruction in the end, and encourages me to love myself. He tells me I'm a good mom, and I believe him. I'm not one to toot my own horn; I take compliments horribly because I truthfully don't believe them, but I've gotta say, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at being a mom. And it's not even me! It's that sweet boy that keeps teaching me everything I'll take from him. And I love it. 

We've spent our summer watching Colt play soccer, been to lots of parks, swam a time or two, and have been enjoying watch our baby grow into the cutest thing on the planet. I swear, I'm gonna eat him whole one day. He's too darn cute for his own good. I'm excited for Fall, and the Holidays, for yet another new holiday experience with my baby. It's exciting, and life is so good. 

This kid stands no chance in this Halloween-obsessed family.

Days at the temple with my man.

Seriously? See what I mean about the cuteness?!

Winn's face is hilarious in this. He's obviously NOT amused. 

IPhone Purge/Birthday Anxiety

I am having a hard time believing that my tiny boy is going to be ONE this week. I'm SAD. I just don't know how he got so grown up--right before my eyes. Gah, I am so grateful for his sweet face and the countless lessons he teaches me. I've become this whole new person this past year--& I like it. Thanks Winn--for showing me what is important in life, teaching me patience and love, and for bringing with you not only the sweetest happiest spirit but pure JOY. I love you! 

Scatter-Brained

Ya know those times in your life where nothing makes sense and everything kind of gets thrown upside down? I feel like my life has taken a few unexpected turns the last little while. My constants are my baby and my hubby. Thank goodness for them. 
I remember back in High School, the feeling of lonely. I had 1, maybe 2 good friends by me, who I actually felt I could trust, and the rest were just typical girls. Girls are plain viscous and if you're a girl, or live with one....you know exactly what I mean. I've had an experience lately that made me feel like my 16 year old self again..and I hated it. For a moment I wanted to say, wait..pause..I am 25, I shouldn't have to do this again or feel like this again. But life kind of a has a way of showing you things. Make you realize what you've got and who you've got, even if it comes in a really ugly way. 
Winn is almost a year old. GUYS!!! I can't believe it! I find him growing out of clothes (as usual) and think, seriously my baby is wearing 2T? And although my baby is still a baby, he's growing up and doing all these little boy things right before my eyes and I can't stop him! He's mastered crawling, and he actually sprint-crawls too, like when I open the baby gate he crawls as fast as possible to the freedom beyond the gate that he thinks exists, or when dad comes home, he sprints to him and actually right on past him, like he forgot where he was headed so fast. He pulls himself up to anything and everything, walks around anything, and I swear he's SO close to actually walking. Which..I'll probably cry when that happens. Cause even though he's extremely large for his age, he's still so small!! And this world can really suck and I want him to stay innocent and little forever. He eats whatever you give him, he can drink through a straw, even though he backwashes 90% of the time. He is learning to love swimming, he loves walks and hikes on dad's back, he loves crowds and noise, he loves his toes, he is so ticklish & laughs even if I give him a funny look (I'm tellin ya, he's the happiest baby ever), he loves Bubble Guppies, especially when he eats, and he has grown a full on mullet & I'm totally loving it. The past year has just flown by--I try to think back to when I was going on 2 hours of sleep every night, trying my best to nurse, and was pretty miserable, thinking I could never have another baby again--I don't think I'll forget those hard months anytime soon, but man..how it was worth it! I feel lucky to have Winn, I'm glad he chose us. I remember when the doctor placed him in my arms, tears rolling down my face, kinda of grossed out a little by all the stuff he was covered in (just being honest), and thinking...I know you! You look familiar! It was a strange feeling..one I hope to feel with every one of my children. Can't believe it's nearly been a full year. I am blessed. 
As life has unrolled before me the last couple of months I have also been taught a lot of things, mainly through other people. I've learned that faith in the Lord will truly bring miracles to your life, I've learned that the more you focus on being a good friend to those around you, the less you notice the things in your life that make you sad, I've learned that a little goes a long ways, I've learned that friends that turn into family are one of my favorite things about life--Meeting new friends that almost instantly become your family, I like that. 
My heart is full. Real full. 

Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is coming up...like tomorrow. It's going to be my first one. Last year I was very pregnant on Mother's Day, but this time around, I've actually been practicing being a mom. It's so funny, all those things that "old" people would say to you when you were younger, like 'You will become your mother!" or "You'll understand when you have kids of your own" ya know, things like that...they were right. I tell ya, with age comes wisdom. (I realize I'm only the ripe age of almost 25) Sometimes I just need to sit back and take a big deep breath. Take in all the glory of my messy chaotic days. Winn is at the age where he gets into everything, scatters his toys everywhere, pulls the rugs around the house with him--he's at the baby proofing stage. And I love every bit of it. But 9 times out of 10, my house and myself look pretty scattered. That's okay with me though. I've been doing my best to put the phone and the computer away and get down on the floor with Winn, chase him on my hands and knees while he laughs hysterically, help him pull himself up to my knees or my couch, lay by his side and just smell his chubby face. There's things I could post about the hard times of being a mom--where I loose my patience when I really shouldn't, how I don't know what it's like to sleep in past 7am, ya know, those types of things--but lets not. Cause all those things are so itty bitty when I think of all the joy I get. I spend most days laughing my head off at Winn's personality bursting out of him, cracking up at the jokes he doesn't even know he's making. He really is the sweetest little person I've ever known. (Cutest too) The list of things he's taught me goes on and on and gets added to every day. It's not all sunsets and roses, but man....most days are. I feel like I've grown into a whole new person since I've become a mother. And I hope so too. Then you get me around a bunch of my friends at Bunco Night and there I am, loud and boisterous all over again. It's like I'm kept in a cage other something, right? Sometimes I really hate that person. But that's okay, it's a part of me too. My favorite part is my son though. Cause that's exactly what he is--a part of me. He's my brain and my legs and my energy coursing through my veins, and he is certainly my heart. Most all of it. I feel pretty lucky that I get to raise this sweet baby boy. I get to see his feet get bigger, his hair get longer, and hopefully his happy little attitude shine. Sometimes, probably more often than normal, I just stare at him--his tiny tiny toes, his curly mullet he's got goin on, his perfectly yummy lips, and am in total amazement that I grew him! He's all mine. It's pretty dang special and I know I'm nothing but lucky to get to be a mom--HIS mama. So this Mother's Day I'm feeling super special. Cause the little guy that I get to practice mom on, is my absolute favorite. I think I got to pick him. 
Happy Mother's Day to my sweet mother, and all the other sweet mother's in this world, who don't get the recognition they deserve. It's you're day! And you're awesome! Love on those sweet babies who challenge your strength and everything inside you--you're the lucky ones!