Flooding

I should just copy and paste my entries to each post, cause it is always months in between where I say "gees it has been a while!". 
Lets just skip that part and get into the good stuff. 
First off: baby in ma belly. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, today actually, which is just over 6 months along. I am definitely starting to feel the physical pressure in my lower back and the awesome round ligament pain. Oh and the acid reflux that literally wakes me up at night. Did I say starting to feel? Cause I mean I've been feeling these things for months now ;) Pregnancy is so great isn't it? No, it really is but can I just say it is dang hard! This time around feels heavier. Not literally, but the emotional weight is heavy this time around. I'm trying to keep up with my 2 1/2 year old who loves to play chase, when bending over the tub to wash his hair is getting pretty hard at this point. Most days I would be ok with movies and cuddles all day, and the problem is, is that Winn would be too. Pregnancy the 2nd time around is much more difficult than the first time around. But it is so worth it and so awesome and all the feel goods you can name. 
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner: He loves being called that. He is one hilarious dude. When he is around people he doesn't know super well, he doesn't say much and sticks by my side. But if he is comfortable around you, you will get to see the CUTEST personality in town. I'm telling you, he is hilariously weird and incredibly smart. One minute he is demanding 'Netflix on the iPad!' and throwing a tantrum because it's only 7:30am and you have to save the iPad for moments of need, and the next minute he is an inch from your face saying 'You're the best. You are! I love you too". It's like those commercials for sour patch kids. One minute I am near tears because his cries and whining and demands and the next I'm still near tears but because I'm laughing at his jokes or he's saying something incredibly sweet to me that obviously makes me cry (I'm pregnant, gimme a break). 
I think that's the amazingly heavenly sense that kids have. They take everything from you. Every ounce of my energy, my thoughts, my worries, my brain, my heart, goes to Winn. He demands this from me in an innocent and unknowingly fashion that allows me to freely give it to him. I give everything I have, to him. It's weird, because you don't do that for even people you love so much. Like Colt. I love him, like out of this world kind of love, the kind of love where I would literally probably remain on my bathroom floor in a pool of my own tears if I ever had to live without him, but it's somehow different. In return, I am given life lesson after life lesson from things to patience and controlling my temper, to selflessness and pure love. It's the kind of love that I know has to come from Heaven. It's pure, even when it's muddled and fuzzy because it's been a bad day or week or month trying to teach and parent without being the spawn of Satan yourself. That is how I know that motherhood is a literal gift from God. It's pure love, even when there is no possible way to rationalize it. 
I've been struggling to find a balance of a new version of myself (the one that Winn is molding me into) and the old me who needed improvement. If you know me, you know I like order. I like schedules. I like planning and sticker charts and routine. Fine, I'm way OCD guys. It's cute and all until you're a mom. Then you find yourself in a battle with a 2.5 year old who could care less about vacuuming or handprints on the mirror or nap time. Really, I've found myself in these battles for 2.5 years now, but the battle is really with myself. Winn is just the teacher. I'll be honest, my anxiety has gotten way worse since becoming a parent. For example: We just moved Winn into a big boy bed. It's so cute and he looks like a little tiny peanut in the middle of it, but what isn't so cute is training him that he needs to stay in it...my little boy who slept 11 hours in a crib has turned into a kid who sleeps 8-9 hours at night, with multiple wake ups and getting out of bed AT LEAST 20 times before sleep finds him. It's kind of maddening. To me. Not to Winn, cause he thinks it's awesome that he can roam his room, get his boots out of his closet, pile 2981247 stuffed animals onto his bed, come out and run to our room whenever he wants and however many times he wants. Not to Colt, cause he is made of pure gold and nothing can stress that man out. He's all "It's fine! Did you expect it to be easy? It's kind of cute". And I'm all "My heart is racing. I have acid reflux. Was that his door? Did you hear that? I think he's up." It's been a HUGE eye opener for me to realize that these 'problems' in my life are mine alone. It's no big deal to Colt if he gets woken up at 3:00am and misses 2 hours of sleep cause he's comforting Winn. When I get up with Winn, which I've been trying to do most nights so Colt can get sleep for finals, then I'm like dying the whole next day because I missed 2 or 3 hours of sleep. It's dumb. So the fight remains with myself. My need for order demands a lot from me, but so does the little guy who puts the challenge in front of me, night after night. I think it is God's way of teaching me that it's okay if you don't sleep more than 4 hours right now. It's okay if Winn doesn't just put himself to sleep like he did 3 weeks ago. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. All is well. It's a lesson that I need to be taught over and over again. 
I was thinking the other day that I was so scared to bring another baby into this world. Seeing Winn get pushed or hit when he's playing with friends brings out the mama bear in me, let alone thinking of the dark world I am eventually going to have to send him into. How is anyone suppose to survive the world we live in now? How are kids suppose to have good childhoods without being exposed to the nastiness of our world? As I was worrying (surprise) about this I had this overwhelming feeling that my babies were saved for this time in the world. They were such strong spirits, with such strong testimonies, that God saved them until NOW. God knows they are strong enough to endure the ugliness this world is offering, and apparently I am strong enough to raise my kids to know that about themselves. The spirit comforted my mama heart and made me feel like somehow someway they can endure. 
Just hoping that all my crazy doesn't rub off on my children ;)