Well Baby Winn Markham Rogers has arrived and boy has he thrown us all for a rollercoaster! The actual labor went really well, thanks to my epidural. When I was fully dilated and effaced, Winn was face-down, so it made my pushing a bit longer and my post-op pain a bit larger, but he actually turned last minute before his head made his way out. He was born at 9:09 pm at 8 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. I only pushed for 39 minutes which wasn't bad, to my surprise. It was the greatest moment of my life. Once he was fully out I instantly started crying without even meaning to (who can help but cry when they give birth, right?) Besides the pain that I was not expecting afterward, our few nights in the hospital were wonderful. I love him so incredibly much it's weird. Sometimes, on a not so rare occasion, I just stare and him in complete wonder at the fact that I made him. I grew him in my belly. And he's all mine. It really blows my mind. Motherhood is simply breathtaking, and something that no words can even come close to touching.
I experienced a bit of post-pardum but not so much depression as anxiety. I was so overwhelmed and my hormones were out of control. The first 2 weeks I cried every day. The hormonal effects of giving birth hit me hard and I was not expecting it. But don't worry moms-to-be out there, it is normal! It's okay if you cry and don't know why. It's hormones. And I thought I was loosing my mind, but come to find out, it actually does get better like everyone tells you it will. As for the sleep...that also hit me hard. You think you are prepared, because by 9 months fat and pregnant, you don't sleep anyway...but loosing sleep is different when you're laying in bed sweating and pregnant staring at the ceiling, versus trying to soothe a crying baby. He still isn't a good sleeper at night, but seeing as he is just about 4 weeks old, I will not complain for a while. I am actually going to start to sleep-train him. Put him in his crib, keep him awake during the day...I'm going to try. So far, I've been catering to his every need. Holding him constantly (I'll probably kick myself later for holding him every time he sleeps, but I can't help myself. He's perfectly cuddly), feeding him whenever he wants to eat, and loving on him around the clock. Winn runs the house to say the least.
I will go into detail about my struggle with nursing in a separate post, but I do want to share it. Because I felt thrown into it, expecting a lot, and not being able to deliver, and I want to share it with other new moms or moms-to-be who might feel what I went through. But to sum it up short, I'm pumping and feeding him my breastmilk by bottle. My struggle will be documented on a day that I have the energy to type it up for you. But it will come.
I just wanted to blog for a minute about how amazingly wonderful Winn is. It has so far been the hardest thing I've ever done my whole life, but it's worth it. Even when I bring him to my husband while I'm in tears because he's been crying at me for 2 hours straight in the wee hours of the morning. He is worth it. And for me, a person who seriously requires 8 hours of sleep at night to function properly, that is saying a lot. Because I think I get 8 hours of sleep in a week. My body is in shock and totally hates me right now. It's okay though, it will get better. He will get better. Everyone says this. So here's to having faith in all you guys telling me he will figure this whole sleeping thing out. Because, I'm not a "read parenting books" and "follow schedules of Baby Wise" type of gal. I want to parent my way, and I want to cater to Winn, not to the "textbook baby". Maybe I'm just in denial and making myself feel better by saying he'll figure it out, I don't need books.
Maybe I need a book.
Anyway. We love him. Colton is the best daddy ever. Our love has changed to be a billion million jillion times better, stronger, deeper, real-er. Babies do amazing things to people.
A baby will make
love stronger,
days shorter,
nights longer,
bankroll smaller,
home happier,
clothes shabbier,
the past forgotten,
and the future
worth living for.
There ain't one thing more true than that.
